Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
