So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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