My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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