shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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