I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
