I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
