Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
