don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
