dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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