update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
