I cannot find my penis.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
