my phone needs a breathalizer
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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