I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You pole danced in your parka.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
