The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
