you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
