My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
