I can text with my tongue
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this boner is exhausting
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
