I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
