Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
