He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
