Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
