The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
