just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she told me i tasted like america
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
