i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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