im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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