I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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