Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
