he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize