Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
