I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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