there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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