If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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