had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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