There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
