I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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