Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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