I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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