i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just want to make out with him forever
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
