You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
