you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
