someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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