I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
