By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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