I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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