i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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