omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
