theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
