bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
