the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
