so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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