Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
