Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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