Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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