So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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