He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
