one two three fourrrrnication!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
