Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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