you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
