Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
