sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
