You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
