On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
