I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
