I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
