Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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