i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Panties = found
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
