Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
